I’m not intending to be shallow,
But shallow’s what I am;
And even if I give a fuck,
I never lift a hand,
So what’s it matter if there’s meaning,
If motion’s at a loss?
What people never see
Tends to be crossed off.
Intentions (explicit)
Published
Writer In Retrospect 
If I understand, Rachel, you’re saying other people stir in you, perhaps, the very impulses that they’d expect you to have, but you lack something – be it will, or confidence – to act on those inputs.
In other words, your reticence may make you appear unfeeling, but it’s an issue more of confidence than it is of empathy?
For what it’s worth, I always have had a deep-seated fear (and thank God it never has materialized), that I will respond to someone in anguish with laughter. Not due to any lack of sympathy, but due to nervous energy on my part. I wonder if that’s related, distantly, to what you explain above.
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Yeah, pretty much. Though I’ll go further and elaborate: I don’t like being in the way. And I’ve come to the conclusion that everything I am is in the way, generally. So I kill off all those little inconvenient parts of myself. Which, of course, happens to be almost everything. And then, people (typically the same people whose behaviours have reinforced my aforementioned conclusion) complain about how lifeless and apathetic I am. I find it all rather frustrating. Enough that I should probably resist the urge to rant a bit more.
Deep-seated fear, huh? I confess… That makes me laugh. Though perhaps less from a lack of sympathy, and more from a need to laugh. I couldn’t really say if it’s related right now, though. Relatable, though, definitely.
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Ah, I understand, Rachel. Your “being in the way” illumination lights a few more corners.
There is something safe, and often comforting, about being unobtrusive, about not kicking up a fuss.
However, what people like us should understands is, life is all about being inconvenient, at least moderately so. Think about it, how many conversations start when we send an email when the other person is busy? Or when someone, apparently, is lost in thought? On his/her way to another commitment?
In a way, most of our interactions start by us “inconveniencing” people, and they, us. Those knots and such we find all are part of life’s tapestry our interactions weave.
Actually, I’m not sure that’s a very good metaphor – I really don’t know a whole lot about weaving. I think that’s how fabrics build, though, as an endless series of tangles.
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That’s a very wise observation. But in understanding that, doesn’t one then have to find that rare and fragile balance between not existing, and existing as a narcissist? People tend toward the extremes. As much as I complain, I am aware that I choose to remain this way. I choose not to change. And I do so, because I fear the other extreme. There are people who have chosen to wholeheartedly embrace “inconveniencing” people not just as an inevitability, but as a philosophy, a need, a desirable way of life. And I don’t want to be like that. If I’m invisible, then at least I know people choose to see me. Even if it still hurts when they don’t.
Great thing about metaphors, Keith: there’s room for… Creative license. And anyway, I think it just depends on how you define a knot.
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Oh, I understand, Rachel. Those you describe, though, who specialize in inconvenience, do so as a contrivance, as a studied act. It’s their schtick.
For the rest of us, though it’s a by-product, an inadvertence. Sometimes we inconvenience others, sometimes others inconvenience us. So what? It’s called “interaction,”
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You make an excellent point. Though, my still large voice of cynicism nevertheless demands skepticism. Or, is that the voice of my idealist, disappointed by the lack of perfect solutions — or such perfect situations as need no solutions — in the world?
Well, don’t hold it against her. My idealist just has things on her mind right now.
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