I can’t battle the presumption
Carried in my words
That I’m not a channel for destruction
That I’m not better left unheard
I can’t drown out little whispers
Wearing my own voice
When I always chose my battle’s victors
And it was never the right choice.
I want to talk to you
But I don’t know what to say
Sometimes I think things would be better
If I simply went away.
There’s so many things I can’t express
So I leave you to understand me less and less
And I like to think I’m helping, but I know
I’m only helping us die our deaths slow
I thought they went without saying,
All those kind things I never said;
While all the while you’d be praying
That my kindness might not be dead.
I only cry out when in pain:
More than I can bear alone.
And I wish I could explain
What I’m feeling when I feel alone,
But even when you’re there
Sometimes still I’m not at home
And none of it, I know, is fair;
But still I wish I could explain it in more than just a tone.
Old friends and new
Too oft have I
Been the one untrue
And I wish I could make it
So that it wasn’t so
But in my life I’ve done it always
And I’ll do it again, I know.
Has never been my forte
I could blame my family,
Say they made me this way:
I could blame my genes,
Or the way I was brought up…
But I need to learn it doesn’t matter,
Because it’s me who messes up.
Mothers cannot always
Be there telling what to say;
And fathers cannot always
Protect you from the fray.
Brothers will not always
Be there to pick you up;
And sisters will not always
Be there when you’ve given up.
Ultimately, your actions
Fall on you and only you;
A terrifying thought to me,
But I’ll try to see it through.
Maybe one day, in the future,
I’ll look back and see
That my life changed for the better
When I took responsibility.
In the interest of communication, I will note that I’ve been a tad unwell these last few days… and unfortunately, have been using that as an excuse (to myself, as well as others) for letting pretty much everything slide.
Silence, silence, everywhere,
But not a word to speak.
What shall I do when all I’ll do
Is hide when others seek?
Will they take my silence as a sign,
As I daresay I would theirs,
And leave me to that silence
And imagined other cares?
Will they think: I do not speak them,
So why would I want them heard?
They could not be more mistaken;
For I value every word.
Every word that’s not my own,
For my own are twisted pains;
And if I do not speak them,
It’s ’cause they’re poison in my veins.
I can’t tell you what I’m seeing;
Because, what if I see it wrong?
And I can’t tell you what I’m doing;
Because, what if I’m not that strong?
I can’t show you what I am;
Because, what if it’s not enough?
And I can’t show you why I ran;
Because, what if it’s just too much?
I can’t explain to you my feelings;
Because, what if they shift at every word?
And I can’t explain to you my reeling;
Because, I don’t think that I could.
I wish that I could say
That it was you who walked away;
But I’m the one who drifted,
And it’s me who’s still conflicted.
You’ve moved on to something new;
And after all, why wouldn’t you?
I’m the one who’s standing still:
You have places you can go, and will.
But still it’s hard for me to hear
How you came so very near —
Even so far to knock;
And yet, you never came to talk.
Not to me; but to another:
And how painful it is my brother
So easily can talk to you,
When I’m too much a coward to.
But then, what can I say?
For it was me who lost my way.
You’re not the one who drifted;
And I’m the only one that’s still conflicted.
Not every question is a riddle;
Not every answer is a guess.
Not every letter is a cipher;
Not every duty is a quest.
Not each beginning is an ending;
Not every ending is a death.
Not every staircase is descending;
Not all that’s missing is from theft.
Not every sorrow is forever;
Not every rain is just for you.
Not every defeat is surrender;
Not every mistake is a clue.