I would like to apologize for my recent neglect. I know, it’s hardly a new thing for me to randomly retreat and vanish for days or weeks on end — it’s become a habit of mine, and I don’t just mean with blogging. In this case, though, the cause was an external one, and I can therefore apologize without being a total hypocrite. I will not promise the sudden and inexplicable turning over of a new leaf, lest my previous point be proven moot; but I do hope to catch up with you all.
I told myself that I was more together But all this time I’ve just been damaged And every time I pulled away I claimed was so as not to end up bandaged, Not realizing that only pain Could be the reason that I sit here ravaged By a fear that will not go away Of the loneliness I’ve barely managed.
There’s so many things I can’t express So I leave you to understand me less and less And I like to think I’m helping, but I know I’m only helping us die our deaths slow
Apparently, today (technically yesterday now — sorry) was my blog’s third anniversary. I had meant to begin blogging on my birthday (later in the month), a sort of coming of age present to myself; but, metaphorically speaking, the temperature of my feet began to drop, and I decided it’d be best to just jump in before I completely lost my nerve. I’m very glad I did so.
Though I haven’t exactly been on top of things lately, I appreciate this community a great deal, and everyone who’s decided to join me here, recently and in the past. I wish I could return half so much of your cleverness, kindness, and attention. But I’m afraid I must again caution that my attentions have external reasons to be diverted, and I may (assuming that’s even possible) be even more scarce than I’ve been. Sorry in advance!
There’s a face you’re used to seeing And I’m not sure that it’s mine; My own is always fleeting And you don’t catch it quite in time.
You only see what I am showing — But you never seem to mind, Or see what I most fear you knowing, Or what I most wish for you to find.
Instead you shout for a beginning… But for me the show is always on; And as the act begins you think you’re winning But if you looked, you’d find the actor gone.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to be; I never had a guide. The person who was supposed to be Learned to keep it all inside. She lived rather a lot like me, Never feeling like enough; And now demands increase exponentially, And she’s feeling like she’s had enough. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to be; She never had a guide. And now what are we supposed to be, When we keep it all inside?