Undone In the Darkness

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It isn’t for the first time
And it won’t be for the last
That I sit here in the darkness
And I think about my past.

The things I never did;
The things I would have said;
The things I only dreamed of —
It means nothing in the end.

Because I sit here in the darkness;
In the darkness of my heart,
And you can’t light a candle
If you never even start.

Liebster Award: or, the Lack Thereof

Should I give every detail?
Should I give none?
Or should I follow my heart
And just cut and run?

It’s almost absurd:
Polish my works?
How do I even tell
What’s right and what’s worse?

My internal mess: A dam mistake
Builds pressure untilĀ it breaks,
Leaving me to pick up the pieces
Of what my fear makes.

***

I have been nominated for the Liebster award four times in the last week or two, and I have yet to make a post in response to any of them. I likely won’t. This is not because I don’t want to — I do. But I am no demon killer, not by a long shot, and my demons possess the most inconspicuous things. The publish button they make a thing of horror. My internal voice becomes nails on chalkboard. Suffice to say: pressure builds, the dam breaks, and I’m left wondering where to run to.

I have gotten a Liebster award before, and gone through with it. But with the Christmas season, I’ve been distracted and things have gotten backed up. I would like very much to respond in kind to the generosity of my fellow bloggers — but things are not always what we’d like. I still have a very long way to go before I’ll be comfortable writing anything but poetry, and I’m just not brave enough to amble out of my comfort zone… Yet. Here’s to new courage in 2018.