"When I am writing, I am trying to find out who I am…" –Maya Angelou
I’m supposed to be better
Your pride, your joy
And all the things you can’t do
Are supposed to be my quick employ
You were supposed to be better
His pride, his joy
But all the things you couldn’t do
Were just a mirror, and he saw a boy
So you tell me to be better
Because the pain never goes away
And everything that I can’t do
Is just a reminder we’re the same
But how can I be better
When in your eyes all I can see
Is the doubt you still retain
And though it’s his, it falls on me.
I lost the words that I was seeking
And with them, any meaning
Of the cowardice that plagues me
And the meeting in my head
Of all my paltry virtues
And their tyrants, and the fortunes
Of failures that ever seek me
And the mistakes that keep them led
And the demons that I’m keeping
And every grim that does a reaping
And every chance that almost meets me
But then finds that I have fled
To a place worse than the last
A darker mirror of the past
Endless reflections staring back at me
Endlessly filling me with dread
But I find I cannot look away
(Or else will not — who can say?)
And the only thing that’s clear to me
Is the glass and what you said
That the choice is mine alone to make
The power, mine alone to take
But the only truth that stays with me
Is that when I broke the glass, I bled.
All I feel now is the lie
My heart is filled with falsity
Telling me I’m angry
Never telling why
Somewhere is the truth
Anger is convenient
Despair the main ingredient
Mixed with sadness and youth
But truth carries the pain
And knowing doesn’t save me
When I know I’m going crazy
Because how could this be sane
But if this is my deceit
Then I could use a little crazy
Because the only thing to save me
Is to not admit defeat.
I have to watch the road and look away
I know what it says if I choose to stay
Desperation suits all people ill
But damn if I’m not desperate still
I like to fancy that I know you well
The danger does not harm the sell
I feel less alone when I’m with you
And I wonder if you aren’t lonely too
Ah, the holes we like to dig
I know you’re a wolf with a sheepish wig
But I still wonder if in your wolfish heart
All you really are is torn apart.
I wish with half my heart
To seize the start until the end
And become that better person
In some ways other than pretend
To be the loving, loyal lamb
Without this fear that I’m the fatted calf
I wish with half my heart
But how can I live without the second half?
Family will die on you
Friends leave you bereft
How do I know this to be true?
I know, because I left.
You say I’ll become what I think I am —
Your favored mind over matter theory;
But I think what I’ve heard again and again,
And wonder, how doesn’t that apply to me?
My role models are filled with despair;
My benefits of doubt dismissed as fantasy.
I’m told to trust no one —
Now how doesn’t that apply to me?
I’m stubborn, to be sure:
When set to fight, I fear to flee;
But all your laughter at those led —
How doesn’t that apply to me?
Some might call me mediator
For my hate of animosity;
But now like any good diplomat,
Conflict’s all I see.
I have been caught in a dance with a flame
I have been warned, but still I remain
I have been drawn by the warmth of a fire,
But I find It’s the steps of the dance I desire
I have been caught in a dance with a flame
I’ve heard it all; he’s not one I can tame
But I know the truth at the heart of the fire,
And there’s worse things in life than a boy and his pyre
The wallflower shrivels
Into a ball of burning hate
I don’t know why she’s come to this
Perhaps the water came a bit too late
Perhaps the sun came down a tad too bright
Perhaps too long lasted lonely night
Perhaps so long went on the drought
That abundance brought on only doubt
Now the wallflower shrivels,
Assumes that it’s fate;
And if it always was to come to this
Why bother with the wait?
There once was a Princess of a glorious land
Determined to determine someone to ask for her hand
And so she put out the call for suitors far and wide
To earn her hand and share in her pride
Many a man did come, intrigued
And many a man did leave, quite piqued
As the Princess of her quite glorious land
Was gloriously brash in making demands
Then there came a poorly-dressed man
And the Princess frowned as only a princess can
And wanted to know how the Princess of such a glorious land
Could have a suitor so very far from grand.
The man bowed, and said, “I’ll explain;
But first, you must agree to a game.
You’ll give an answer and I’ll ask a riddle;
And you’ll find what you seek somewhere in the middle.”
Some further explanation ensued
Until the Princess understood what she was to do
And then with a final clearing of her throat
She at last declared, “I am a moat.”
“Around stones and bridges that men hath sent,”
The man, with a smile, began after a moment,
“I circle and circle but never shall strike
There’s nothing I hate and little I like
And yet still I reflect and still might I kill
But I stir only at man or wind’s will
I fill with laughter when the heavens do cry
Now can you guess, what am I?”
“Not bad, not bad! Though I see a few flaws,”
Cried a Princess loathe to give her applause
“Yet the riddle is over and I still don’t know
What’s the thing in the middle that I’m meant to know?”
“If you were listening closely, you would have heard
Between answer and riddle was never a word
Therein lies your kingdom, the greatest of all
And Prince of Nothing is where I belong.
