Am I progressing or procrastinating?
Am I living or just avoiding death?
And will I ever know the difference,
When everything I’ve ever loved, I’ve left?
I feel false:
However hard I try,
The Truth from another angle
Becomes just another lie.
I am to you what you were to me:
A means, never an end
There are worse things that I could be
But that’s a poor excuse to be friends
I still wonder if you think of me
A tired thought, so oft repeated
And if we’re warned off who we want to be
It doesn’t matter who we needed
Friendship is no reliable thing
And more, is even less
So if I’m not ready for anything
What I’m doing here I cannot guess
I haven’t been myself lately
Just an echo of everybody else
I’m half convinced they half hate me
But it may just be they hate themselves
I’ve not been breathing well lately
I hold my breath like everybody else
Only half alive, and half crazy
Waiting for goodness or magic or elves
I’ve been thinking some of hell lately
It’s here with everybody else
The more I hear and the more I see
The deeper the dark inside of me delves
There is no translation
For the things inside my head
And no will ever know what’s missing
When I wind up dead
And all my books are empty
Because I never knew the words
And all I try is sickening
Because it’s never more than thirds
Of what might be enough
When we’re all resigned to drowning
‘Cause the ocean’s just too rough
It’s a fact of life
The only immortal thing is doubt
And if I can’t ever win
All I can do is shout
But what use is voices in a chorus
Of silent, desperate screams
And if they’re all that I can hear now
How can I not know that I can’t change things?
Like so many rusted parts,
Our life just never starts;
And like so much ocean rain,
We stand nothing to gain.
But still we’re pressing on,
And still we’re not quite gone;
Yet like so many quiet embers,
We are dying to our tempers.
The wallflower shrivels
Into a ball of burning hate
I don’t know why she’s come to this
Perhaps the water came a bit too late
Perhaps the sun came down a tad too bright
Perhaps too long lasted lonely night
Perhaps so long went on the drought
That abundance brought on only doubt
Now the wallflower shrivels,
Assumes that it’s fate;
And if it always was to come to this
Why bother with the wait?
Everything I try to write
Feels written somewhere before
And everything I think to do
Is the beginning of another war
Everything I almost hear
Bears the sound of slamming doors
And all the feelings we hold near
Are a poison making us its shores.
Everything that I should know
I know is something past my years
And everything that I could ask
I don’t believe is worth the tears
So everything that I could say
Rarely will I dare to whisper
And everything I must or may
Only comes out as a whimper.
I told myself that I was more together
But all this time I’ve just been damaged
And every time I pulled away
I claimed was so as not to end up bandaged,
Not realizing that only pain
Could be the reason that I sit here ravaged
By a fear that will not go away
Of the loneliness I’ve barely managed.
My breath has been replaced with lead
And I’ve a soul that now is nearly dead
And a heart that for too long has bled
On the field of raging war inside.
No one sees the battles every day
Where each side claws to keep their foe at bay
But I can feel the casualties, in that same way
You know that someone dear to you has died.
But I am forced to hope it’s not so sad
That maybe there’s freedom to be had
And it won’t just leave two sides half mad
Wondering who can be right when both sides lied.